A continuous fever, aching muscles, sore throat, fatigue and yet these aren’t the reasons why I really hurt.
Jacob F., I like you so much, and I’m sorry that it couldn’t work out. Maybe it was one-sided, however, in which you liked me to a certain extent, and that is okay. So it doesn’t hurt that much for you.
Maricella Olague, you tend to fall in love a lot.
I feel so stupid in letting my emotions get in the way. How weak of me, it makes me sick to my stomach.
I hear that Tom has girlfriend or something, and I’m only happy for him if he is truly happy.
I am happy that I don’t have feelings for him at all. Closure with Jacob was nice.
First time Jacob and I kissed on what it seemed like a potential double date, made me realize that I was over Tom. Completely.
Kissing was nice, but now it’s time to move on.
10 more days to go, I can do it.
Random:
I realized that I love my friends dearly, and I would die for them. Samantha, Michelle, Chimi, Ducky I would die for you guys. I love you guys.
I move into my Studio on June 20th.
<3 and choa.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Closure.
I did it because I love him, and I could never make him happy, and I won’t be able to make anyone happy. It’s not in the cards for me, and I blame my parents for that as well as my continuous tendency of self love, my independence, and goals.
I couldn’t and can’t have both, so I chose, and did what I had too.
He’ll thank me one day though, after the wounds have healed and after he has found the one that deserves him most.
He’ll thank me for giving him a certain freedom.
I love you Tom.
Ps: I feel much better that I have come to my senses, in allowing myself to see what I already knew.I still love him, and I can't turn off my emotions. I now honor my true feelings, and with time I know that I will get over him, it'll just take a bit longer, then expected.
I couldn’t and can’t have both, so I chose, and did what I had too.
He’ll thank me one day though, after the wounds have healed and after he has found the one that deserves him most.
He’ll thank me for giving him a certain freedom.
I love you Tom.
Ps: I feel much better that I have come to my senses, in allowing myself to see what I already knew.I still love him, and I can't turn off my emotions. I now honor my true feelings, and with time I know that I will get over him, it'll just take a bit longer, then expected.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Vagina, Penis & Trannies
She felt compelled to express that I for one, looked like some tyranny. Joe, my boyfriend at the time confided in me with this, and I remember clearly laughing at his ex-girlfriend’s remark.
These days I have come to realize that when I look upon myself in the mirror, I don’t quite see the conventional cute, teenybopper beauty that I once had.
I, for one have come to terms that at times some aspects of masculinity in my strong features of my face are easily visible and embraced, involuntarily. In that I mean, with my nose and its long bridge, my cheekbones, eyes, and eyebrows, I can look both very feminine and masculine at the same time.
However, I am neither ugly nor gorgeous, but that I am most intriguing looking.
-----
I was in my Intro to Queer Theatre class today, and it was said that Lady Gaga, one of my idols, is known to cultivate some error of mystery of playing on the idea of being a man or woman. I feel as though, she also has embraces some masculinity, because she, too has strong facial features. Her eyes and her cheek bones both give her a feminine look, but her nose and its long bridge does otherwise.
Leona Lewis, shows similar qualities in that she has a long bridge of a nose that makes her look like a lion. Her eyes and cheek bones also give her a soft look to make her feminine.
These days I have come to realize that when I look upon myself in the mirror, I don’t quite see the conventional cute, teenybopper beauty that I once had.
I, for one have come to terms that at times some aspects of masculinity in my strong features of my face are easily visible and embraced, involuntarily. In that I mean, with my nose and its long bridge, my cheekbones, eyes, and eyebrows, I can look both very feminine and masculine at the same time.
However, I am neither ugly nor gorgeous, but that I am most intriguing looking.
-----
I was in my Intro to Queer Theatre class today, and it was said that Lady Gaga, one of my idols, is known to cultivate some error of mystery of playing on the idea of being a man or woman. I feel as though, she also has embraces some masculinity, because she, too has strong facial features. Her eyes and her cheek bones both give her a feminine look, but her nose and its long bridge does otherwise.
Leona Lewis, shows similar qualities in that she has a long bridge of a nose that makes her look like a lion. Her eyes and cheek bones also give her a soft look to make her feminine.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Crotch Itch
Crotch Itch
1. I value Chimi Choi more than most people I know or have known.
2. I hate living in my apartment for the reasons that I no longer have it in me to associate with fake people, whom, live under the same roof as I do. I truly have a spectacular partner in crime Chimi Choi. The way we both perceive it, is simply us against them.
3. My hair is crisp, and I hope to find some way to rejuvenate it.
4. I use commas a lot when I type things up, and it’s slightly annoying.
5. I am almost done with the third book of the Twilight series, and I honestly don’t want it to end.
6. I love running.
7. I met some girl today in which it was a pleasure conversing with at Borders; she me my Hazelnut latte. Becca.
8. I only have four true and loving friends to call my own: Denise, Samantha, Michelle, Chimi.
9. I am sad that Jasmine isn’t who she used to be, she turns me off most of the time, and what’s worse is that I am not the only one who feels this way, either. Who is she now, and what happened to the real person, I loved so much? I want her back.
10. I am sad, that Ryan and I aren’t friends, POSSIBLY, because he’s whipped by his girlfriend who he has confided in me that she can be jealous or snappy at times. I feel that she is the reason why me and Ryan don’t talk anymore, and what makes me mad is that he chose Ana altogether, without trying to remain friends with Ami and I. How unfair it is to know that we were the ones there for him when he needed it most last school year, while his girlfriend was still in a relationship, to indecisive on who she wanted and at the same time hurting Ryan. Fuck you.
11. I have realized as of recent, that the last time I had conversed with Tom on the phone, I had apologized; after the phone call I thought I had closure, but then found out that saying sorry wasn’t quite what I wanted to say. If I had another chance, I would do it all over by confiding in him that I am not sorry that we met, I am not sorry that it’s over, and lastly I am not sorry, and will never be sorry that there is nothing to say. Needless to say, I hope that he succeeds, and finds someone else who will love him, as he or anyone should be loved.I want him to be happy. As for me, I have things to do, people to see, and ect. I will always love him however, unconditionally regardless of us not being together forever as he planned. I miss him dearly. There, I said it.
12. I miss Denise and I hope she comes back to California this summer.
13. I deleted my Myspace, Facebook, Stickam, and VampireFreaks accounts, and I’m glad I did it.
14. I am disgusted that my former boss from Gamestop, won’t stop making passes at me.
I miss:
1. I value Chimi Choi more than most people I know or have known.
2. I hate living in my apartment for the reasons that I no longer have it in me to associate with fake people, whom, live under the same roof as I do. I truly have a spectacular partner in crime Chimi Choi. The way we both perceive it, is simply us against them.
3. My hair is crisp, and I hope to find some way to rejuvenate it.
4. I use commas a lot when I type things up, and it’s slightly annoying.
5. I am almost done with the third book of the Twilight series, and I honestly don’t want it to end.
6. I love running.
7. I met some girl today in which it was a pleasure conversing with at Borders; she me my Hazelnut latte. Becca.
8. I only have four true and loving friends to call my own: Denise, Samantha, Michelle, Chimi.
9. I am sad that Jasmine isn’t who she used to be, she turns me off most of the time, and what’s worse is that I am not the only one who feels this way, either. Who is she now, and what happened to the real person, I loved so much? I want her back.
10. I am sad, that Ryan and I aren’t friends, POSSIBLY, because he’s whipped by his girlfriend who he has confided in me that she can be jealous or snappy at times. I feel that she is the reason why me and Ryan don’t talk anymore, and what makes me mad is that he chose Ana altogether, without trying to remain friends with Ami and I. How unfair it is to know that we were the ones there for him when he needed it most last school year, while his girlfriend was still in a relationship, to indecisive on who she wanted and at the same time hurting Ryan. Fuck you.
11. I have realized as of recent, that the last time I had conversed with Tom on the phone, I had apologized; after the phone call I thought I had closure, but then found out that saying sorry wasn’t quite what I wanted to say. If I had another chance, I would do it all over by confiding in him that I am not sorry that we met, I am not sorry that it’s over, and lastly I am not sorry, and will never be sorry that there is nothing to say. Needless to say, I hope that he succeeds, and finds someone else who will love him, as he or anyone should be loved.I want him to be happy. As for me, I have things to do, people to see, and ect. I will always love him however, unconditionally regardless of us not being together forever as he planned. I miss him dearly. There, I said it.
12. I miss Denise and I hope she comes back to California this summer.
13. I deleted my Myspace, Facebook, Stickam, and VampireFreaks accounts, and I’m glad I did it.
14. I am disgusted that my former boss from Gamestop, won’t stop making passes at me.
I miss:
Thursday, April 2, 2009
First Day of my Life
...this is such a beautiful song, I remember it from Tom introducing it to me when we were together, but needless to say, it's amazing.
It makes me smile.
It makes me smile.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Break Spring.
It isn’t so bad, trying to untangle some headphone wires when you’re so determined to listen to music while blogging. The key word is “determined”; I love how the word in itself has such a nice ring to it. It’s gold--------food for thought.
“It only gets worse until it gets better”, is what he said in the context of my room as I was trying so hard to clean, organize, and throw out old belongings. However, the words stuck to me for many other reasons; reasons that I will soon elaborate on in this blog.
I had left the lecture hall, as there were a few individuals still trying so hard to either finish or look over their exams. I then walked with a friend to the bus stop, and had only a good two hours to study for my last exam. As time flew by, all I could think of is how weird it was going to be meeting someone new, from a different state, that wasn’t going to be Tom.
Nonetheless, it was a pleasure meeting and spending time with Sean, and I was more than grateful that for one, he didn’t make a pass at me, and two it was nice to have someone around to chill with for the first couple of days of my Spring Break.
Of course there were various moments of pure awkwardness and annoyance in which I felt as if I was the only one putting in effort in anything and everything. In that I mean, I was the only one thinking of things to do, movies to watch and every time I asked him for an opinion on what we should do, his apathetic attitude annoyed me quite it bit. When on the bus or even the train on our way to San Francisco, all he did was read.
However, please let me justify myself when I say there is nothing wrong with reading on a long train ride, but is it that necessary to read the whole time? I guess I was annoyed with it, because he did it often, even when we were around people, or even at the book store. It made me feel as though I were making his trip here boring, and worthless. Also, when he was here at my place, he was always on the internet, reading replies from people on forums, playing WOW or even chatting with people on aim.
I was annoyed because I felt that since he could have easily done these things back at home, he wasted some good time while being here. Time in which he could have seen much more, met new people or whatever. It was awkward, because at times I felt as if I was talking straight to a wall.
Whatever, it was nice to meet him though.
After he left on Wednesday, I knew that having the apartment to myself for the next couple of days was going to be treat. I was alone, truly alone, and it was bittersweet. I say that because at times I wish I had company, but at the end of the day, I knew deep down that having “me” time was best for me. I was able to reflect on a lot, and to find some closure.
Thursday was dedicated to FIDM hw as I call it, in which I finished applications, and endless phone calls with financial coordinators and advisers, and that was pretty much it.
Friday, I decided to go downtown and spend the day there, and it was absolutely perfect. The first thing I did was go to get my eyebrows waxed, in which it ended on a pretty bad note. The lady fucked up my left eyebrow, and after I paid, I vowed to never go there again. After that I went to Trader Joes to purchase raw almonds, and then to Longs drugs to purchase some tea followed by a stop to Pharmacy, where I had purchased some brow powder to hide what it looks to be a bald spot on my left brow.
I also stopped by my favorite salad bar/vegetarian/vegan food place where I had ordered an crimini mushroom salad plate, with a side order of hummus and pita chips. I was also drinking homemade Jamaica that tasted so good. After that I went to Urban Outfitters where I purchased a cardigan, and some shoes.
I decided that I had wanted to see a movie, so I saw A Haunting in Connecticut by myself and it was a pretty damn good movie, one of the scariest and saddest I’d seen in such a long time. I had chills, tears and some laughter---I’m a bit morbid.
After the film ended, I went to the art shop where I had purchased some sketching pencils.
Djhgfgjsfghgfjhgfhgfjhsgfhjgdfhjdsgfsdfhjsfjhgsdfjgsdfgsdfhgsdhfgdsjf
I went to Crossroads, and bought some boots. The boots are black, knee high and really cute.
Lastly, I went to Borders to read at the café where I had bought some peach tea. I read some more of Eclipse, and realized that it keeps getting better and better.
So Saturday I was with my family, it was nice but I hate seeing how dysfunctional we really are and how depressed everyone is, and it makes me sick. My mother treats my father like a kid; my brother and I wish they were in love again, but whatever. My aunt is on a verge of a great depression, my brother still so strong is hanging in there and counting the days until he off to college, and my father just seems so unhappy.
I dread it, and it makes me hate coming home for the summer; but I have too, so that I can keep my brother sane. He is so strong, I love him. We are so strong.
“It only gets worse until it gets better”, is what he said in the context of my room as I was trying so hard to clean, organize, and throw out old belongings. However, the words stuck to me for many other reasons; reasons that I will soon elaborate on in this blog.
I had left the lecture hall, as there were a few individuals still trying so hard to either finish or look over their exams. I then walked with a friend to the bus stop, and had only a good two hours to study for my last exam. As time flew by, all I could think of is how weird it was going to be meeting someone new, from a different state, that wasn’t going to be Tom.
Nonetheless, it was a pleasure meeting and spending time with Sean, and I was more than grateful that for one, he didn’t make a pass at me, and two it was nice to have someone around to chill with for the first couple of days of my Spring Break.
Of course there were various moments of pure awkwardness and annoyance in which I felt as if I was the only one putting in effort in anything and everything. In that I mean, I was the only one thinking of things to do, movies to watch and every time I asked him for an opinion on what we should do, his apathetic attitude annoyed me quite it bit. When on the bus or even the train on our way to San Francisco, all he did was read.
However, please let me justify myself when I say there is nothing wrong with reading on a long train ride, but is it that necessary to read the whole time? I guess I was annoyed with it, because he did it often, even when we were around people, or even at the book store. It made me feel as though I were making his trip here boring, and worthless. Also, when he was here at my place, he was always on the internet, reading replies from people on forums, playing WOW or even chatting with people on aim.
I was annoyed because I felt that since he could have easily done these things back at home, he wasted some good time while being here. Time in which he could have seen much more, met new people or whatever. It was awkward, because at times I felt as if I was talking straight to a wall.
Whatever, it was nice to meet him though.
After he left on Wednesday, I knew that having the apartment to myself for the next couple of days was going to be treat. I was alone, truly alone, and it was bittersweet. I say that because at times I wish I had company, but at the end of the day, I knew deep down that having “me” time was best for me. I was able to reflect on a lot, and to find some closure.
Thursday was dedicated to FIDM hw as I call it, in which I finished applications, and endless phone calls with financial coordinators and advisers, and that was pretty much it.
Friday, I decided to go downtown and spend the day there, and it was absolutely perfect. The first thing I did was go to get my eyebrows waxed, in which it ended on a pretty bad note. The lady fucked up my left eyebrow, and after I paid, I vowed to never go there again. After that I went to Trader Joes to purchase raw almonds, and then to Longs drugs to purchase some tea followed by a stop to Pharmacy, where I had purchased some brow powder to hide what it looks to be a bald spot on my left brow.
I also stopped by my favorite salad bar/vegetarian/vegan food place where I had ordered an crimini mushroom salad plate, with a side order of hummus and pita chips. I was also drinking homemade Jamaica that tasted so good. After that I went to Urban Outfitters where I purchased a cardigan, and some shoes.
I decided that I had wanted to see a movie, so I saw A Haunting in Connecticut by myself and it was a pretty damn good movie, one of the scariest and saddest I’d seen in such a long time. I had chills, tears and some laughter---I’m a bit morbid.
After the film ended, I went to the art shop where I had purchased some sketching pencils.
Djhgfgjsfghgfjhgfhgfjhsgfhjgdfhjdsgfsdfhjsfjhgsdfjgsdfgsdfhgsdhfgdsjf
I went to Crossroads, and bought some boots. The boots are black, knee high and really cute.
Lastly, I went to Borders to read at the café where I had bought some peach tea. I read some more of Eclipse, and realized that it keeps getting better and better.
So Saturday I was with my family, it was nice but I hate seeing how dysfunctional we really are and how depressed everyone is, and it makes me sick. My mother treats my father like a kid; my brother and I wish they were in love again, but whatever. My aunt is on a verge of a great depression, my brother still so strong is hanging in there and counting the days until he off to college, and my father just seems so unhappy.
I dread it, and it makes me hate coming home for the summer; but I have too, so that I can keep my brother sane. He is so strong, I love him. We are so strong.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Prelude
Prelude
We have the serenity to face situations that we have no control over, no room for change. In that being said, it brings forward at times the opportunity to channel ever bit of courage in allowing ourselves to make change for what we believe is for the better, and use wisdom to know the difference. I have taken, great healing in ways that have proved to me with overwhelmingly and frustrating emotions, (that at one point conquered every thought in mind), that when I am alone, I am at my best. I ponder aimlessly at the silly theories of what my life would have been like, had I made different choices, and reevaluate the reality of what I do want, and what I can never have. Dreams, wishes, and goals are my guidance to prosperity in which I know will come in time. In the mean time however, I take great gratitude in fucking up in ways that with pain, suffering and endless longing for closure, I will grow to become the person I have created at present, and will embrace in the future. My visions are vivid and ambiguous until I restore my perspective from conflicting thoughts, emotions, predicaments, and all I can do is walk the lonely roads with horrid winds, sunny hot days, and chilly rains until I can relieve my mind, at last.
When all else fails grab a magazine and drink hot Earl Gray tea to ease the tension.
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